Courtney is continuing to improve physically. The walker has already been pretty much abandoned. She still has some vertigo, but is able to walk if she does so slowly and carefully. Her eyes are doing much better with light. As you've seen, she's even been using her computer some. The pain in her head is no longer severe. We have much to be thankful for.
Regrettably, it seems some things must get worse before they'll get better. The partial seizures that led to her diagnosis have returned with a vengeance. We were told that this could happen due to the injury and swelling in that part of her brain. In fact, we were told that they could even develop into grand mal seizures before things stabilize. Even though it was somewhat expected, it has been very frustrating to Courtney. She has also discovered other difficulties she didn't notice earlier. She's having a really difficult time processing her thoughts. She says she feels like a fish out of water trying to figure out why she can't swim or breathe or see. She has an almost constant "horror" type of feeling that she describes as being like waking up and realizing someone has cut off you legs. To understate it terribly, she feels extremely uncomfortable.
These feelings were not expected and they are contributing to her frustration and depression right now. In addition to this are several other factors. She always has suffered from pretty strong post partum depression and our baby is 6 weeks old, right about the time it hit with the others. She is frustrated that she's not recovering faster and that she's dealing with impairments she wasn't expecting. She has also had 2 weeks now in which she has been able to lay in bed and think about the severity of her situation and the fact that she still has more difficult treatment ahead in the form of chemo or radiation. This is really beginning to sink in. She's also unable to shut her brain off. She says that it's constantly going 100mph. Additionally, she has had her brain chemistry altered which has limited her ability to buffer changes in mood. She will be smiling and laughing one moment and crying with tears running down her cheeks literally 2 seconds later. Finally, to get the seizures and moods under control, she has recently started taking several serious medication which are making her feel even less in control, even moodier, and more disoriented. All these things combined have really got her feeling depressed with some really gloomy thoughts about the future.
She's uncomfortable seeing almost everyone because she doesn't think people will understand what all is wrong with her. This makes her feel extremely anxious. It's more anxiety then she needs right now, so she has decided to pretty much just see me and her parents. She even has a hard time seeing our own children. She doesn't want to suddenly start bawling in front of them and worry them. So please don't feel offended that you haven't been invited over.
We're hoping that, over the next few days, these new meds will help stabilize things and make her more comfortable. In the meantime, I still read all messages and emails to her and she loves every one of them. Thank you.
1 comment:
Courtney, you looked great when I saw you. Don't even worry. You are such a fighter. :)
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